Today is 13 March 2006.
We went to the doctors this morning to confirm the miscarriage and to get bloodwork done. I can't remember the last time something was so painful to write about... we also went to get an ultrasound confirmation. There is no remaining elements of a baby there, and her uterus and ovaries are clean and healthy, meaning there will be no D & C. That's good news.
I'm so terribly numb in my emotions. I'm glad my bride can get it out, but there's so much bottled inside me, I feel that it's all stuck. I can't smile, laugh, cryu, or even feel the overwhelming loss of this baby. I want to, but I'm in a prison. If I could put a picture to it, I feel trapped under ice. I'm so tired... so cold... so distant... so numb.
Our baby is gone. What happens to a soul when its body is dead? "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord."
What about a four-week old fetus? Where do they go?
What will they look like in the Resurrection?
Will he/she know me?
Will he/she know me as their dad?
This is too painful for me to continue writing.
2 comments:
I stumbled across your blog about a week ago and bookmarked it because I enjoy reading what you write. When I visited today to read the last two entries, my heart is hurting for you and your family. I wanted to say something spiritually profound and healing but everything I could say at this point comes across as trite.
Instead I will pray for you and your wife and that you will process through this event and come out the other end Complete and Whole as a family unit rooted in the Love of God.
Thank you, Thany! We appreciate your prayers and support. What a gift! We are meeting with our doctor again in the next couple of weeks to determine what went wrong with her progesterone levels. We're continuing to trust the Lord.
Thank you for reading my blog as well. We hope to spread the message of Christ-centered fathering around the world. Your comments are very encouraging.
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