Sunday, June 25, 2006
Monday, June 12, 2006
The Trouble With Boys
They're kinetic, maddening and failing at school. Now educators are trying new ways to help them succeed.
By Peg Tyre
Newsweek
Jan. 30, 2006 issue - Spend a few minutes on the phone with Danny Frankhuizen and you come away thinking, "What a nice boy." He's thoughtful, articulate, bright. He has a good relationship with his mom, goes to church every Sunday, loves the rock band Phish and spends hours each day practicing his guitar. But once he's inside his large public Salt Lake City high school, everything seems to go wrong. He's 16, but he can't stay organized. He finishes his homework and then can't find it in his backpack. He loses focus in class, and his teachers, with 40 kids to wrangle, aren't much help. "If I miss a concept, they tell me, 'Figure it out yourself'," says Danny. Last year Danny's grades dropped from B's to D's and F's. The sophomore, who once dreamed of Stanford, is pulling his grades up but worries that "I won't even get accepted at community college."
His mother, Susie Malcom, a math teacher who is divorced, says it's been wrenching to watch Danny stumble. "I tell myself he's going to make something good out of himself," she says. "But it's hard to see doors close and opportunities fall away."
What's wrong with Danny? By almost every benchmark, boys across the nation and in every demographic group are falling behind. In elementary school, boys are two times more likely than girls to be diagnosed with learning disabilities and twice as likely to be placed in special-education classes. High-school boys are losing ground to girls on standardized writing tests. The number of boys who said they didn't like school rose 71 percent between 1980 and 2001, according to a University of Michigan study. Nowhere is the shift more evident than on college campuses. Thirty years ago men represented 58 percent of the undergraduate student body. Now they're a minority at 44 percent. This widening achievement gap, says Margaret Spellings, U.S. secretary of Education, "has profound implications for the economy, society, families and democracy."
With millions of parents wringing their hands, educators are searching for new tools to help tackle the problem of boys. Books including Michael Thompson's best seller "Raising Cain" (recently made into a PBS documentary) and Harvard psychologist William Pollack's definitive work "Real Boys" have become must-reads in the teachers' lounge. The Gurian Institute, founded in 1997 by family therapist Michael Gurian to help the people on the front lines help boys, has enrolled 15,000 teachers in its seminars. Even the Gates Foundation, which in the last five years has given away nearly a billion dollars to innovative high schools, is making boys a big priority. "Helping underperforming boys," says Jim Shelton, the foundation's education director, "has become part of our core mission."
The problem won't be solved overnight. In the last two decades, the education system has become obsessed with a quantifiable and narrowly defined kind of academic success, these experts say, and that myopic view is harming boys. Boys are biologically, developmentally and psychologically different from girls - and teachers need to learn how to bring out the best in every one. "Very well-meaning people," says Dr. Bruce Perry, a Houston neurologist who advocates for troubled kids, "have created a biologically disrespectful model of education."
Thirty years ago it was girls, not boys, who were lagging. The 1972 federal law Title IX forced schools to provide equal opportunities for girls in the classroom and on the playing field. Over the next two decades, billions of dollars were funneled into finding new ways to help girls achieve. In 1992, the American Association of University Women issued a report claiming that the work of Title IX was not done - girls still fell behind in math and science; by the mid-1990s, girls had reduced the gap in math and more girls than boys were taking high-school-level biology and chemistry.
Some scholars, notably Christina Hoff Sommers, a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, charge that misguided feminism is what's been hurting boys. In the 1990s, she says, girls were making strong, steady progress toward parity in schools, but feminist educators portrayed them as disadvantaged and lavished them with support and attention. Boys, meanwhile, whose rates of achievement had begun to falter, were ignored and their problems allowed to fester (click here for related essay).
Boys have always been boys, but the expectations for how they're supposed to act and learn in school have changed. In the last 10 years, thanks in part to activist parents concerned about their children's success, school performance has been measured in two simple ways: how many students are enrolled in accelerated courses and whether test scores stay high. Standardized assessments have become commonplace for kids as young as 6. Curricula have become more rigid. Instead of allowing teachers to instruct kids in the manner and pace that suit each class, some states now tell teachers what, when and how to teach. At the same time, student-teacher ratios have risen, physical education and sports programs have been cut and recess is a distant memory. These new pressures are undermining the strengths and underscoring the limitations of what psychologists call the "boy brain" - the kinetic, disorganized, maddening and sometimes brilliant behaviors that scientists now believe are not learned but hard-wired.
When Cris Messler of Mountainside, N.J., brought her 3-year-old son Sam to a pediatrician to get him checked for ADHD, she was acknowledging the desperation parents can feel. He's a high-energy kid, and Messler found herself hoping for a positive diagnosis. "If I could get a diagnosis from the doctor, I could get him on medicine," she says. The doctor said Sam is a normal boy. School has been tough, though. Sam's reading teacher said he was hopeless. His first-grade teacher complains he's antsy, and Sam, now 7, has been referring to himself as "stupid." Messler's glad her son doesn't need medication, but what, she wonders, can she do now to help her boy in school?
For many boys, the trouble starts as young as 5, when they bring to kindergarten a set of physical and mental abilities very different from girls'. As almost any parent knows, most 5-year-old girls are more fluent than boys and can sight-read more words. Boys tend to have better hand-eye coordination, but their fine motor skills are less developed, making it a struggle for some to control a pencil or a paintbrush. Boys are more impulsive than girls; even if they can sit still, many prefer not to - at least not for long.
Thirty years ago feminists argued that classic "boy" behaviors were a result of socialization, but these days scientists believe they are an expression of male brain chemistry. Sometime in the first trimester, a boy fetus begins producing male sex hormones that bathe his brain in testosterone for the rest of his gestation. "That exposure wires the male brain differently," says Arthur Arnold, professor of physiological science at UCLA. How? Scientists aren't exactly sure. New studies show that prenatal exposure to male sex hormones directly affects the way children play. Girls whose mothers have high levels of testosterone during pregnancy are more likely to prefer playing with trucks to playing with dolls. There are also clues that hormones influence the way we learn all through life. In a Dutch study published in 1994, doctors found that when males were given female hormones, their spatial skills dropped but their verbal skills improved.
In elementary-school classrooms - where teachers increasingly put an emphasis on language and a premium on sitting quietly and speaking in turn - the mismatch between boys and school can become painfully obvious. "Girl behavior becomes the gold standard," says "Raising Cain" coauthor Thompson. "Boys are treated like defective girls."
Two years ago Kelley King, principal of Douglass Elementary School in Boulder, Colo., looked at the gap between boys and girls and decided to take action. Boys were lagging 10 points behind girls in reading and 14 points in writing. Many more boys than girls were being labeled as learning disabled, too. So King asked her teachers to buy copies of Gurian's book "The Minds of Boys," on boy-friendly classrooms, and in the fall of 2004 she launched a bold experiment. Whenever possible, teachers replaced lecture time with fast-moving lessons that all kids could enjoy. Three weeks ago, instead of discussing the book "The View From Saturday," teacher Pam Unrau divided her third graders into small groups, and one student in each group pretended to be a character from the book. Classes are noisier, Unrau says, but the boys are closing the gap. Last spring, Douglass girls scored an average of 106 on state writing tests, while boys got a respectable 101.
Primatologists have long observed that juvenile male chimps battle each other not just for food and females, but to establish and maintain their place in the hierarchy of the tribe. Primates face off against each other rather than appear weak. That same evolutionary imperative, psychologists say, can make it hard for boys to thrive in middle school—and difficult for boys who are failing to accept the help they need. The transition to middle school is rarely easy, but like the juvenile primates they are, middle-school boys will do almost anything to avoid admitting that they're overwhelmed. "Boys measure everything they do or say by a single yardstick: does this make me look weak?" says Thompson. "And if it does, he isn't going to do it." That's part of the reason that videogames have such a powerful hold on boys: the action is constant, they can calibrate just how hard the challenges will be and, when they lose, the defeat is private.
When Brian Johns hit seventh grade, he never admitted how vulnerable it made him feel. "I got behind and never caught up," says Brian, now 17 and a senior at Grand River Academy, an Ohio boarding school. When his parents tried to help, he rebuffed them. When his mother, Anita, tried to help him organize his assignment book, he grew evasive about when his homework was due. Anita didn't know where to turn. Brian's school had a program for gifted kids, and support for ones with special needs. But what, Anita asked his teachers, do they do about kids like her son who are in the middle and struggling? Those kids, one of Brian's teachers told Anita, "are the ones who fall through the cracks."
It's easy for middle-school boys to feel outgunned. Girls reach sexual maturity two years ahead of boys, but other, less visible differences put boys at a disadvantage, too. The prefrontal cortex is a knobby region of the brain directly behind the forehead that scientists believe helps humans organize complex thoughts, control their impulses and understand the consequences of their own behavior. In the last five years, Dr. Jay Giedd, an expert in brain development at the National Institutes of Health, has used brain scans to show that in girls, it reaches its maximum thickness by the age of 11 and, for the next decade or more, continues to mature. In boys, this process is delayed by 18 months.
Middle-school boys may use their brains less efficiently, too. Using a type of MRI that traces activity in the brain, Deborah Yurgelun-Todd, director of the cognitive neuroimaging laboratory at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass., tested the activity patterns in the prefrontal cortex of children between the ages of 11 and 18. When shown pictures of fearful faces, adolescent girls registered activity on the right side of the prefrontal cortex, similar to an adult. Adolescent boys used both sides—a less mature pattern of brain activity. Teenage girls can process information faster, too. In a study about to be published in the journal Intelligence, researchers at Vanderbilt University administered timed tests—picking similar objects and matching groups of numbers—to 8,000 boys and girls between the ages of 5 and 18. In kindergarten, boys and girls processed information at about the same speeds. In early adolescence, girls finished faster and got more right. By 18, boys and girls were processing with the same speed and accuracy.
Scientists caution that brain research doesn't tell the whole story: temperament, family background and environment play big roles, too. Some boys are every bit as organized and assertive as the highest-achieving girls. All kids can be scarred by violence, alcohol or drugs in the family. But if your brain hasn't reached maturity yet, says Yurgelun-Todd, "it's not going to be able to do its job optimally."
Across the nation, educators are reviving an old idea: separate the girls from the boys—and at Roncalli Middle School, in Pueblo, Colo., administrators say, it's helping kids of both genders. This past fall, with the blessing of parents, school guidance counselor Mike Horton assigned a random group of 50 sixth graders to single-sex classes in core subjects. These days, when sixth-grade science teacher Pat Farrell assigns an earth-science lab on measuring crystals, the girls collect their materials—a Bunsen burner, a beaker of phenyl salicylate and a spoon. Then they read the directions and follow the sequence from beginning to end. The first things boys do is ask, "Can we eat this?" They're less organized, Farrell notes, but sometimes, "they're willing to go beyond what the lab asks them to do." With this in mind, he hands out written instructions to both classes but now goes over them step by step for the boys. Although it's too soon to declare victory, there are some positive signs: the shyest boys are participating more. This fall, the all-girl class did best in math, English and science, followed by the all-boy class and then coed classes.
One of the most reliable predictors of whether a boy will succeed or fail in high school rests on a single question: does he have a man in his life to look up to? Too often, the answer is no. High rates of divorce and single motherhood have created a generation of fatherless boys. In every kind of neighborhood, rich or poor, an increasing number of boys—now a startling 40 percent—are being raised without their biological dads.
Psychologists say that grandfathers and uncles can help, but emphasize that an adolescent boy without a father figure is like an explorer without a map. And that is especially true for poor boys and boys who are struggling in school. Older males, says Gurian, model self-restraint and solid work habits for younger ones. And whether they're breathing down their necks about grades or admonishing them to show up for school on time, "an older man reminds a boy in a million different ways that school is crucial to their mission in life."
In the past, boys had many opportunities to learn from older men. They might have been paired with a tutor, apprenticed to a master or put to work in the family store. High schools offered boys a rich array of roles in which to exercise leadership skills - class officer, yearbook editor or a place on the debate team. These days, with the exception of sports, more girls than boys are involved in those activities.
In neighborhoods where fathers are most scarce, the high-school dropout rates are shocking: more than half of African-American boys who start high school don't finish. David Banks, principal of the Eagle Academy for Young Men, one of four all-boy public high schools in the New York City system, wants each of his 180 students not only to graduate from high school but to enroll in college. And he's leaving nothing to chance. Almost every Eagle Academy boy has a male mentor - a lawyer, a police officer or an entrepreneur from the school's South Bronx neighborhood. The impact of the mentoring program, says Banks, has been "beyond profound." Tenth grader Rafael Mendez is unequivocal: his mentor "is the best thing that ever happened to me." Before Rafael came to Eagle Academy, he dreamed about playing pro baseball, but his mentor, Bronx Assistant District Attorney Rafael Curbelo, has shown him another way to succeed: Mendez is thinking about attending college in order to study forensic science.
Colleges would welcome more applications from young men like Rafael Mendez. At many state universities the gender balance is already tilting 60-40 toward women. Primary and secondary schools are going to have to make some major changes, says Ange Peterson, president-elect of the American Association of Collegiate Registrars and Admissions Officers, to restore the gender balance. "There's a whole group of men we're losing in education completely," says Peterson.
For Nikolas Arnold, 15, a sophomore at a public high school in Santa Monica, Calif., college is a distant dream. Nikolas is smart: he's got an encyclopedic knowledge of weaponry and war. When he was in first grade, his principal told his mother he was too immature and needed ADHD drugs. His mother balked. "Too immature?" says Diane Arnold, a widow. "He was six and a half!" He's always been an advanced reader, but his grades are erratic. Last semester, when his English teacher assigned two girls' favorites - "Memoirs of a Geisha" and "The Secret Life of Bees" Nikolas got a D. But lately, he has a math teacher he likes and is getting excited about numbers. He's reserved in class sometimes. But now that he's more engaged, his grades are improving slightly and his mother, who's pushing college, is hopeful he will begin to hit his stride. Girls get A's and B's on their report cards, she tells him, but that doesn't mean boys can't do it, too.
With Andrew Murr, Vanessa Juarez, Anne Underwood, Karen Springen and Pat Wingert
URL: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/10965522/site/newsweek/
-----------------------------
Malachi 4:5, 6 - "Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the LORD comes. And he will turn the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction."
As most Christians are aware, the Elijah who was to come was John the Baptist (see Matthew 17:11-13). Through what John's message was... to repent... to turn one's heart back to God and to renew their commitment to the Mosaic Covenant, was how a child's heart and a father's heart would be restored toward each other. Ultimately, the only way to fix this problem in our society today is through following this message and the Person, Jesus Christ.
By Peg Tyre
Newsweek
Jan. 30, 2006 issue - Spend a few minutes on the phone with Danny Frankhuizen and you come away thinking, "What a nice boy." He's thoughtful, articulate, bright. He has a good relationship with his mom, goes to church every Sunday, loves the rock band Phish and spends hours each day practicing his guitar. But once he's inside his large public Salt Lake City high school, everything seems to go wrong. He's 16, but he can't stay organized. He finishes his homework and then can't find it in his backpack. He loses focus in class, and his teachers, with 40 kids to wrangle, aren't much help. "If I miss a concept, they tell me, 'Figure it out yourself'," says Danny. Last year Danny's grades dropped from B's to D's and F's. The sophomore, who once dreamed of Stanford, is pulling his grades up but worries that "I won't even get accepted at community college."
His mother, Susie Malcom, a math teacher who is divorced, says it's been wrenching to watch Danny stumble. "I tell myself he's going to make something good out of himself," she says. "But it's hard to see doors close and opportunities fall away."
What's wrong with Danny? By almost every benchmark, boys across the nation and in every demographic group are falling behind. In elementary school, boys are two times more likely than girls to be diagnosed with learning disabilities and twice as likely to be placed in special-education classes. High-school boys are losing ground to girls on standardized writing tests. The number of boys who said they didn't like school rose 71 percent between 1980 and 2001, according to a University of Michigan study. Nowhere is the shift more evident than on college campuses. Thirty years ago men represented 58 percent of the undergraduate student body. Now they're a minority at 44 percent. This widening achievement gap, says Margaret Spellings, U.S. secretary of Education, "has profound implications for the economy, society, families and democracy."
With millions of parents wringing their hands, educators are searching for new tools to help tackle the problem of boys. Books including Michael Thompson's best seller "Raising Cain" (recently made into a PBS documentary) and Harvard psychologist William Pollack's definitive work "Real Boys" have become must-reads in the teachers' lounge. The Gurian Institute, founded in 1997 by family therapist Michael Gurian to help the people on the front lines help boys, has enrolled 15,000 teachers in its seminars. Even the Gates Foundation, which in the last five years has given away nearly a billion dollars to innovative high schools, is making boys a big priority. "Helping underperforming boys," says Jim Shelton, the foundation's education director, "has become part of our core mission."
The problem won't be solved overnight. In the last two decades, the education system has become obsessed with a quantifiable and narrowly defined kind of academic success, these experts say, and that myopic view is harming boys. Boys are biologically, developmentally and psychologically different from girls - and teachers need to learn how to bring out the best in every one. "Very well-meaning people," says Dr. Bruce Perry, a Houston neurologist who advocates for troubled kids, "have created a biologically disrespectful model of education."
Thirty years ago it was girls, not boys, who were lagging. The 1972 federal law Title IX forced schools to provide equal opportunities for girls in the classroom and on the playing field. Over the next two decades, billions of dollars were funneled into finding new ways to help girls achieve. In 1992, the American Association of University Women issued a report claiming that the work of Title IX was not done - girls still fell behind in math and science; by the mid-1990s, girls had reduced the gap in math and more girls than boys were taking high-school-level biology and chemistry.
Some scholars, notably Christina Hoff Sommers, a fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, charge that misguided feminism is what's been hurting boys. In the 1990s, she says, girls were making strong, steady progress toward parity in schools, but feminist educators portrayed them as disadvantaged and lavished them with support and attention. Boys, meanwhile, whose rates of achievement had begun to falter, were ignored and their problems allowed to fester (click here for related essay).
Boys have always been boys, but the expectations for how they're supposed to act and learn in school have changed. In the last 10 years, thanks in part to activist parents concerned about their children's success, school performance has been measured in two simple ways: how many students are enrolled in accelerated courses and whether test scores stay high. Standardized assessments have become commonplace for kids as young as 6. Curricula have become more rigid. Instead of allowing teachers to instruct kids in the manner and pace that suit each class, some states now tell teachers what, when and how to teach. At the same time, student-teacher ratios have risen, physical education and sports programs have been cut and recess is a distant memory. These new pressures are undermining the strengths and underscoring the limitations of what psychologists call the "boy brain" - the kinetic, disorganized, maddening and sometimes brilliant behaviors that scientists now believe are not learned but hard-wired.
When Cris Messler of Mountainside, N.J., brought her 3-year-old son Sam to a pediatrician to get him checked for ADHD, she was acknowledging the desperation parents can feel. He's a high-energy kid, and Messler found herself hoping for a positive diagnosis. "If I could get a diagnosis from the doctor, I could get him on medicine," she says. The doctor said Sam is a normal boy. School has been tough, though. Sam's reading teacher said he was hopeless. His first-grade teacher complains he's antsy, and Sam, now 7, has been referring to himself as "stupid." Messler's glad her son doesn't need medication, but what, she wonders, can she do now to help her boy in school?
For many boys, the trouble starts as young as 5, when they bring to kindergarten a set of physical and mental abilities very different from girls'. As almost any parent knows, most 5-year-old girls are more fluent than boys and can sight-read more words. Boys tend to have better hand-eye coordination, but their fine motor skills are less developed, making it a struggle for some to control a pencil or a paintbrush. Boys are more impulsive than girls; even if they can sit still, many prefer not to - at least not for long.
Thirty years ago feminists argued that classic "boy" behaviors were a result of socialization, but these days scientists believe they are an expression of male brain chemistry. Sometime in the first trimester, a boy fetus begins producing male sex hormones that bathe his brain in testosterone for the rest of his gestation. "That exposure wires the male brain differently," says Arthur Arnold, professor of physiological science at UCLA. How? Scientists aren't exactly sure. New studies show that prenatal exposure to male sex hormones directly affects the way children play. Girls whose mothers have high levels of testosterone during pregnancy are more likely to prefer playing with trucks to playing with dolls. There are also clues that hormones influence the way we learn all through life. In a Dutch study published in 1994, doctors found that when males were given female hormones, their spatial skills dropped but their verbal skills improved.
In elementary-school classrooms - where teachers increasingly put an emphasis on language and a premium on sitting quietly and speaking in turn - the mismatch between boys and school can become painfully obvious. "Girl behavior becomes the gold standard," says "Raising Cain" coauthor Thompson. "Boys are treated like defective girls."
Two years ago Kelley King, principal of Douglass Elementary School in Boulder, Colo., looked at the gap between boys and girls and decided to take action. Boys were lagging 10 points behind girls in reading and 14 points in writing. Many more boys than girls were being labeled as learning disabled, too. So King asked her teachers to buy copies of Gurian's book "The Minds of Boys," on boy-friendly classrooms, and in the fall of 2004 she launched a bold experiment. Whenever possible, teachers replaced lecture time with fast-moving lessons that all kids could enjoy. Three weeks ago, instead of discussing the book "The View From Saturday," teacher Pam Unrau divided her third graders into small groups, and one student in each group pretended to be a character from the book. Classes are noisier, Unrau says, but the boys are closing the gap. Last spring, Douglass girls scored an average of 106 on state writing tests, while boys got a respectable 101.
Primatologists have long observed that juvenile male chimps battle each other not just for food and females, but to establish and maintain their place in the hierarchy of the tribe. Primates face off against each other rather than appear weak. That same evolutionary imperative, psychologists say, can make it hard for boys to thrive in middle school—and difficult for boys who are failing to accept the help they need. The transition to middle school is rarely easy, but like the juvenile primates they are, middle-school boys will do almost anything to avoid admitting that they're overwhelmed. "Boys measure everything they do or say by a single yardstick: does this make me look weak?" says Thompson. "And if it does, he isn't going to do it." That's part of the reason that videogames have such a powerful hold on boys: the action is constant, they can calibrate just how hard the challenges will be and, when they lose, the defeat is private.
When Brian Johns hit seventh grade, he never admitted how vulnerable it made him feel. "I got behind and never caught up," says Brian, now 17 and a senior at Grand River Academy, an Ohio boarding school. When his parents tried to help, he rebuffed them. When his mother, Anita, tried to help him organize his assignment book, he grew evasive about when his homework was due. Anita didn't know where to turn. Brian's school had a program for gifted kids, and support for ones with special needs. But what, Anita asked his teachers, do they do about kids like her son who are in the middle and struggling? Those kids, one of Brian's teachers told Anita, "are the ones who fall through the cracks."
It's easy for middle-school boys to feel outgunned. Girls reach sexual maturity two years ahead of boys, but other, less visible differences put boys at a disadvantage, too. The prefrontal cortex is a knobby region of the brain directly behind the forehead that scientists believe helps humans organize complex thoughts, control their impulses and understand the consequences of their own behavior. In the last five years, Dr. Jay Giedd, an expert in brain development at the National Institutes of Health, has used brain scans to show that in girls, it reaches its maximum thickness by the age of 11 and, for the next decade or more, continues to mature. In boys, this process is delayed by 18 months.
Middle-school boys may use their brains less efficiently, too. Using a type of MRI that traces activity in the brain, Deborah Yurgelun-Todd, director of the cognitive neuroimaging laboratory at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass., tested the activity patterns in the prefrontal cortex of children between the ages of 11 and 18. When shown pictures of fearful faces, adolescent girls registered activity on the right side of the prefrontal cortex, similar to an adult. Adolescent boys used both sides—a less mature pattern of brain activity. Teenage girls can process information faster, too. In a study about to be published in the journal Intelligence, researchers at Vanderbilt University administered timed tests—picking similar objects and matching groups of numbers—to 8,000 boys and girls between the ages of 5 and 18. In kindergarten, boys and girls processed information at about the same speeds. In early adolescence, girls finished faster and got more right. By 18, boys and girls were processing with the same speed and accuracy.
Scientists caution that brain research doesn't tell the whole story: temperament, family background and environment play big roles, too. Some boys are every bit as organized and assertive as the highest-achieving girls. All kids can be scarred by violence, alcohol or drugs in the family. But if your brain hasn't reached maturity yet, says Yurgelun-Todd, "it's not going to be able to do its job optimally."
Across the nation, educators are reviving an old idea: separate the girls from the boys—and at Roncalli Middle School, in Pueblo, Colo., administrators say, it's helping kids of both genders. This past fall, with the blessing of parents, school guidance counselor Mike Horton assigned a random group of 50 sixth graders to single-sex classes in core subjects. These days, when sixth-grade science teacher Pat Farrell assigns an earth-science lab on measuring crystals, the girls collect their materials—a Bunsen burner, a beaker of phenyl salicylate and a spoon. Then they read the directions and follow the sequence from beginning to end. The first things boys do is ask, "Can we eat this?" They're less organized, Farrell notes, but sometimes, "they're willing to go beyond what the lab asks them to do." With this in mind, he hands out written instructions to both classes but now goes over them step by step for the boys. Although it's too soon to declare victory, there are some positive signs: the shyest boys are participating more. This fall, the all-girl class did best in math, English and science, followed by the all-boy class and then coed classes.
One of the most reliable predictors of whether a boy will succeed or fail in high school rests on a single question: does he have a man in his life to look up to? Too often, the answer is no. High rates of divorce and single motherhood have created a generation of fatherless boys. In every kind of neighborhood, rich or poor, an increasing number of boys—now a startling 40 percent—are being raised without their biological dads.
Psychologists say that grandfathers and uncles can help, but emphasize that an adolescent boy without a father figure is like an explorer without a map. And that is especially true for poor boys and boys who are struggling in school. Older males, says Gurian, model self-restraint and solid work habits for younger ones. And whether they're breathing down their necks about grades or admonishing them to show up for school on time, "an older man reminds a boy in a million different ways that school is crucial to their mission in life."
In the past, boys had many opportunities to learn from older men. They might have been paired with a tutor, apprenticed to a master or put to work in the family store. High schools offered boys a rich array of roles in which to exercise leadership skills - class officer, yearbook editor or a place on the debate team. These days, with the exception of sports, more girls than boys are involved in those activities.
In neighborhoods where fathers are most scarce, the high-school dropout rates are shocking: more than half of African-American boys who start high school don't finish. David Banks, principal of the Eagle Academy for Young Men, one of four all-boy public high schools in the New York City system, wants each of his 180 students not only to graduate from high school but to enroll in college. And he's leaving nothing to chance. Almost every Eagle Academy boy has a male mentor - a lawyer, a police officer or an entrepreneur from the school's South Bronx neighborhood. The impact of the mentoring program, says Banks, has been "beyond profound." Tenth grader Rafael Mendez is unequivocal: his mentor "is the best thing that ever happened to me." Before Rafael came to Eagle Academy, he dreamed about playing pro baseball, but his mentor, Bronx Assistant District Attorney Rafael Curbelo, has shown him another way to succeed: Mendez is thinking about attending college in order to study forensic science.
Colleges would welcome more applications from young men like Rafael Mendez. At many state universities the gender balance is already tilting 60-40 toward women. Primary and secondary schools are going to have to make some major changes, says Ange Peterson, president-elect of the American Association of Collegiate Registrars and Admissions Officers, to restore the gender balance. "There's a whole group of men we're losing in education completely," says Peterson.
For Nikolas Arnold, 15, a sophomore at a public high school in Santa Monica, Calif., college is a distant dream. Nikolas is smart: he's got an encyclopedic knowledge of weaponry and war. When he was in first grade, his principal told his mother he was too immature and needed ADHD drugs. His mother balked. "Too immature?" says Diane Arnold, a widow. "He was six and a half!" He's always been an advanced reader, but his grades are erratic. Last semester, when his English teacher assigned two girls' favorites - "Memoirs of a Geisha" and "The Secret Life of Bees" Nikolas got a D. But lately, he has a math teacher he likes and is getting excited about numbers. He's reserved in class sometimes. But now that he's more engaged, his grades are improving slightly and his mother, who's pushing college, is hopeful he will begin to hit his stride. Girls get A's and B's on their report cards, she tells him, but that doesn't mean boys can't do it, too.
With Andrew Murr, Vanessa Juarez, Anne Underwood, Karen Springen and Pat Wingert
URL: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/10965522/site/newsweek/
-----------------------------
Malachi 4:5, 6 - "Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the LORD comes. And he will turn the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction."
As most Christians are aware, the Elijah who was to come was John the Baptist (see Matthew 17:11-13). Through what John's message was... to repent... to turn one's heart back to God and to renew their commitment to the Mosaic Covenant, was how a child's heart and a father's heart would be restored toward each other. Ultimately, the only way to fix this problem in our society today is through following this message and the Person, Jesus Christ.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Love Your Son by Loving Your Wife!
You might say to me, "Wait a minute, is that substantive fatherhood?"
Absolutely! in the early years.
You might say, "Well, that's not that difficult."
Wait a minute now – your son needs to see you loving mom.
So in those early years of your marriage, where your emphasis and work in leading courageously and accepting responsibility needs to be in the area of loving your wife and establishing that early on. That's strategic fatherhood.
See, that's beginning to impart to your son the essence of masculinity because you're stabilizing in those early years.
So if my son is two or three or four or five years old, "I'm a dad," you're saying "my focus ought to be communicating love to him and communicating to his mom that I love her in ways that he sees that, he's aware of it, he picks up on it."
Your son senses it in the home. It's the environment of the home, and what's helpful to a young man, he goes, "Thank you. That didn't overpower me, necessarily, those are real clear roadmaps."
If you do these things, you're creating in your son a rich, masculine identity.
There will come a point when a boy turns from five to six; he moves into the early elementary years and, at that point, it's not that a dad quits loving mom or quits saying, "I love you," but he may need to add a few things to his arsenal.
Email me for a copy of this all-important roadmap, put out by Raising a Modern-Day Knight that is where a dad could go to any year in his son's life and go down that roadmap and see the two, three, four, five things that he needs to concentrate on, on that particular year. Put "Manhood Roadmap" in the subject line.
Absolutely! in the early years.
You might say, "Well, that's not that difficult."
Wait a minute now – your son needs to see you loving mom.
So in those early years of your marriage, where your emphasis and work in leading courageously and accepting responsibility needs to be in the area of loving your wife and establishing that early on. That's strategic fatherhood.
See, that's beginning to impart to your son the essence of masculinity because you're stabilizing in those early years.
So if my son is two or three or four or five years old, "I'm a dad," you're saying "my focus ought to be communicating love to him and communicating to his mom that I love her in ways that he sees that, he's aware of it, he picks up on it."
Your son senses it in the home. It's the environment of the home, and what's helpful to a young man, he goes, "Thank you. That didn't overpower me, necessarily, those are real clear roadmaps."
If you do these things, you're creating in your son a rich, masculine identity.
There will come a point when a boy turns from five to six; he moves into the early elementary years and, at that point, it's not that a dad quits loving mom or quits saying, "I love you," but he may need to add a few things to his arsenal.
Email me for a copy of this all-important roadmap, put out by Raising a Modern-Day Knight that is where a dad could go to any year in his son's life and go down that roadmap and see the two, three, four, five things that he needs to concentrate on, on that particular year. Put "Manhood Roadmap" in the subject line.
Can a Mom raise a Man out of her Son?
What a woman can do, a mom can do, is put her son in environments with other men who are healthy. She needs to still be a great mom, but she can't make a boy a man. It just doesn't work that way, and it's a hard reality, but she can put that boy in environments where he will get a vision of manhood he can get attached to. So I just think some of this for a single parent or for a divorced mom or for one who has a husband who is just simply absent, I think what she has to do is make some wise plays, and those wise plays are navigating her son into environment where there are healthy men.
Where that young man is put in contact with the right kind of man. And you know what - a coach, a Sunday school teacher, a camp director - if you choose the right man, those can be powerful.
~ from the radio broadcast "Married to a Passive Male" (June 8, 2006) by Family Life Today.
Where that young man is put in contact with the right kind of man. And you know what - a coach, a Sunday school teacher, a camp director - if you choose the right man, those can be powerful.
~ from the radio broadcast "Married to a Passive Male" (June 8, 2006) by Family Life Today.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Raising Maidens
Not to let the ladies who might feel left out by the masculinity of this website, feel free to check out some of these books that aren't perfect, but great reads. Even though you may not agree with everything said in these books, don't "throw out the baby with the bathwater."
Raising Maidens of Virtue: A Study of Feminine Loveliness for Mothers and Daughters
By Stacy McDonald / Books On The Path
More than a fill in the blank Bible study, it is an engaging tool for mothers to use in training daughters who are approaching womanhood to think biblically. Through stories, conversational teachings, illustrations, and memory making projects, topics covered include guarding the tongue, idleness, sibling relationships and more.
Be Fruitful & Multiply: What the Bible Says About Having Children
By Nancy Campbell / The Vision Forum, Inc
Can you imagine attending a wedding where the family and friends offered the above blessing to a new bride? Yet these words of encouragement, once offered to Rebekah on the advent of her marriage to Isaac (Genesis 24:60), beautifully communicate the heart of God's command to Christian husbands and wives that they be exceedingly fruitful and raise children who will influence all of culture and society for the glory of God. But why do so many Christian married couples chose to "cut off their seed?" What if any biblical basis exists for deliberately thwarting the birth of children? Is it ever "good stewardship" to prevent children on the basis of financial concerns? These and related questions are examined in the light of Scripture in this groundbreaking study guide for Christian couples.
Tender Warrior
By Stu Weber / Multnomah Publishers Inc.
As a man, God created you to be a leader, protector, friend, and lover. Now revised and updated with chapters on "finishing the course" God has set before you, Weber's bestselling book paints a dramatic and compelling picture of balanced manhood. Written in a warm, personal style, you'll explore the characteristics of a tender warrior and learn to speak the language of women, watch out for what lies ahead, foster friendships, and be an obedient and blessed servant of the Lord!
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
How "Daddy" Affects Your Job: Psychologist
I highly encourage you to read this recent Reuters article about the impact a father has on his children as they grow and enter the workplace.
REMEMBER, MEN: WHAT YOU DO TODAY HAS A PROFOUND IMPACT ON TOMORROW!
By Ellen Wulfhorst, Fri May 12, 2006 3:06 PM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Successes or failures of employees in the workplace can be traced to what kind of father they had, a psychologist argues in a new book.
In "The Father Factor," Stephan Poulter lists five styles of fathers -- super-achieving, time bomb, passive, absent and compassionate/mentor -- who have powerful influences on the careers of their sons and daughters.
Children of the "time-bomb" father, for example, who explodes in anger at his family, learn how to read people and their moods. Those intuitive abilities make them good at such jobs as personnel managers or negotiators, he writes.
But those same children may have trouble feeling safe and developing trust, said Poulter, a clinical psychologist who also works with adolescents in Los Angeles area schools.
"I've seen more people hit their heads on what they call a glass ceiling or a cement wall in their careers, and it's what I call the father factor," Poulter said in an interview. "What role did your father have in your life? It's this unknown variable which has this huge impact because we're all sons and daughters."
Styles of fathering can affect whether their children get along with others at work, have an entrepreneurial spirit, worry too much about their career, burn out or become the boss, Poulter writes.
Even absent fathers affect how their children work, he writes, by instilling feelings of rejection and abandonment.
Those children may be overachievers, becoming the person their father never was, or develop such anger toward supervisors or authority figures that they work best when they are self-employed, he writes.
"A lot of people say, 'I never knew my dad,'" he said. But, he added: "You knew the myth, you knew your mother's hatred, you knew your anger, you knew your dad was a loser. Trust me, you knew your dad.
"The father's influence in the workplace is really one of the best-kept secrets," he said. Poulter co-authored an earlier book on mothers and daughters called "Mending the Broken Bough." "The Father Factor" is set for release next month by Prometheus Books.
Looking at the influence of fathers fits with other recent research on workplace behavior, said William Pollack, a psychology professor and director of the Centers for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital, part of Harvard Medical School.
"There's been a good deal of research to show not only that our family-life experience and our experience with our parents affects our personality, but it affects our corporate personality, both as leaders and followers," said Pollack, author of "Real Boys."
"There's also good research to show that for men and women, the way they identify with their father and their father's role may well affect how they interact as a manager or leader in the workplace."
Poulter, by the way, describes his own father as the absent type. After this book, he said, "my dad won't even talk to me."
REMEMBER, MEN: WHAT YOU DO TODAY HAS A PROFOUND IMPACT ON TOMORROW!
By Ellen Wulfhorst, Fri May 12, 2006 3:06 PM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Successes or failures of employees in the workplace can be traced to what kind of father they had, a psychologist argues in a new book.
In "The Father Factor," Stephan Poulter lists five styles of fathers -- super-achieving, time bomb, passive, absent and compassionate/mentor -- who have powerful influences on the careers of their sons and daughters.
Children of the "time-bomb" father, for example, who explodes in anger at his family, learn how to read people and their moods. Those intuitive abilities make them good at such jobs as personnel managers or negotiators, he writes.
But those same children may have trouble feeling safe and developing trust, said Poulter, a clinical psychologist who also works with adolescents in Los Angeles area schools.
"I've seen more people hit their heads on what they call a glass ceiling or a cement wall in their careers, and it's what I call the father factor," Poulter said in an interview. "What role did your father have in your life? It's this unknown variable which has this huge impact because we're all sons and daughters."
Styles of fathering can affect whether their children get along with others at work, have an entrepreneurial spirit, worry too much about their career, burn out or become the boss, Poulter writes.
Even absent fathers affect how their children work, he writes, by instilling feelings of rejection and abandonment.
Those children may be overachievers, becoming the person their father never was, or develop such anger toward supervisors or authority figures that they work best when they are self-employed, he writes.
"A lot of people say, 'I never knew my dad,'" he said. But, he added: "You knew the myth, you knew your mother's hatred, you knew your anger, you knew your dad was a loser. Trust me, you knew your dad.
"The father's influence in the workplace is really one of the best-kept secrets," he said. Poulter co-authored an earlier book on mothers and daughters called "Mending the Broken Bough." "The Father Factor" is set for release next month by Prometheus Books.
Looking at the influence of fathers fits with other recent research on workplace behavior, said William Pollack, a psychology professor and director of the Centers for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital, part of Harvard Medical School.
"There's been a good deal of research to show not only that our family-life experience and our experience with our parents affects our personality, but it affects our corporate personality, both as leaders and followers," said Pollack, author of "Real Boys."
"There's also good research to show that for men and women, the way they identify with their father and their father's role may well affect how they interact as a manager or leader in the workplace."
Poulter, by the way, describes his own father as the absent type. After this book, he said, "my dad won't even talk to me."
Monday, May 22, 2006
Congratulations, You're Going to Be a Dad!
I recommend EVERY new dad to pick up a copy of this book. It helped me when our son Luke was born 23 months ago, and it has walked me through everything from how to change a diaper to how to detect the differences in a newborn baby's cries. Great read and helpful A to Z referencing for a quick look up.
Being God's Man in Leading a Family
Need some help along the way to being the spiritual leader in your home? Try this great resource!
More than ever, families are desperate for spiritual leadership. And that starts with you, the husband and father. Are you equipped and ready to assume the role and responsibility God has for you? Being God's Man... in Leading a Family will help you accept your calling and experience God's blessing as the spiritual leader to your wife and children.
In this study-for individual or group use-you’ll discover the six keys to true spiritual leadership in the home:
1.Deciding: Taking ownership of your own spiritual journey
2.Demonstrating: Modeling a relationship with God
3.Displaying: God's love in your relationship with your wife
4.Displaying: God's love in your interactions with your children
5.Daily spiritual leadership through fostering spiritual connections in the home
6.Daily spiritual leadership through serving
Being God's Man... in Leading a Family is the Bible study that could revolutionize not only your life, but also the lives of your wife and children–and impact generations to come in the wisdom and strength of God.
More than ever, families are desperate for spiritual leadership. And that starts with you, the husband and father. Are you equipped and ready to assume the role and responsibility God has for you? Being God's Man... in Leading a Family will help you accept your calling and experience God's blessing as the spiritual leader to your wife and children.
In this study-for individual or group use-you’ll discover the six keys to true spiritual leadership in the home:
1.Deciding: Taking ownership of your own spiritual journey
2.Demonstrating: Modeling a relationship with God
3.Displaying: God's love in your relationship with your wife
4.Displaying: God's love in your interactions with your children
5.Daily spiritual leadership through fostering spiritual connections in the home
6.Daily spiritual leadership through serving
Being God's Man... in Leading a Family is the Bible study that could revolutionize not only your life, but also the lives of your wife and children–and impact generations to come in the wisdom and strength of God.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Nehemiah and Your Family Leadership
John Maxwell in his leadership books shares an important principle: "as go the leaders, so go the followers."
This is brought home through understanding what took place in the life of Nehemiah. After a time away from Jerusalem, Nehemiah returned to find his countrymen breaking God's laws by violating the Sabbath, intermarrying with foreigners, harboring God's enemies in the Temple complex. These same people had voluntarily entered into a covenant with God just a few years earlier not to intermarry and to keep the Sabbath holy (Neh. 9:6-10:39)! There were men in Judah at that time who knew the Law of God, but failed to lead. Nehemiah seemed to be the one man with clear vision and the moral courage to confront the sin of his people and lead them to do what was right (Neh. 13).
Men, will we be Nehemiah's and lead the people under our care to obey and serve God?
Stay in the Word with all prayer and lead! How? Keep visiting this site and you'll see!
This is brought home through understanding what took place in the life of Nehemiah. After a time away from Jerusalem, Nehemiah returned to find his countrymen breaking God's laws by violating the Sabbath, intermarrying with foreigners, harboring God's enemies in the Temple complex. These same people had voluntarily entered into a covenant with God just a few years earlier not to intermarry and to keep the Sabbath holy (Neh. 9:6-10:39)! There were men in Judah at that time who knew the Law of God, but failed to lead. Nehemiah seemed to be the one man with clear vision and the moral courage to confront the sin of his people and lead them to do what was right (Neh. 13).
Men, will we be Nehemiah's and lead the people under our care to obey and serve God?
Stay in the Word with all prayer and lead! How? Keep visiting this site and you'll see!
Thursday, April 27, 2006
What Is It About 30?
What is it about being 30 years old?
Almost every man fearfully begins the need to feel like he's wanting to break out on his own when he hits around 30 years old.
If he chooses successfully, he'll grow and enjoy a huge sense of adventure.
If he chooses comfort, he'll inevitably hit his mid-life years with a crisis.
What were your thirties like?
Almost every man fearfully begins the need to feel like he's wanting to break out on his own when he hits around 30 years old.
If he chooses successfully, he'll grow and enjoy a huge sense of adventure.
If he chooses comfort, he'll inevitably hit his mid-life years with a crisis.
What were your thirties like?
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Family Poem
I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
you'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.
"By this time, I felt very small,
and now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
- Source Unknown.
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. Come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind the story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too; I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said good-bye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
you'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.
"By this time, I felt very small,
and now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay. I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."
- Source Unknown.
Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. Come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family, an unwise investment indeed, don't you think? So what is behind the story?
Do you know what the word FAMILY means?
FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU
Monday, April 24, 2006
Miscarriage Aftershock
Today is 13 March 2006.
We went to the doctors this morning to confirm the miscarriage and to get bloodwork done. I can't remember the last time something was so painful to write about... we also went to get an ultrasound confirmation. There is no remaining elements of a baby there, and her uterus and ovaries are clean and healthy, meaning there will be no D & C. That's good news.
I'm so terribly numb in my emotions. I'm glad my bride can get it out, but there's so much bottled inside me, I feel that it's all stuck. I can't smile, laugh, cryu, or even feel the overwhelming loss of this baby. I want to, but I'm in a prison. If I could put a picture to it, I feel trapped under ice. I'm so tired... so cold... so distant... so numb.
Our baby is gone. What happens to a soul when its body is dead? "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord."
What about a four-week old fetus? Where do they go?
What will they look like in the Resurrection?
Will he/she know me?
Will he/she know me as their dad?
This is too painful for me to continue writing.
We went to the doctors this morning to confirm the miscarriage and to get bloodwork done. I can't remember the last time something was so painful to write about... we also went to get an ultrasound confirmation. There is no remaining elements of a baby there, and her uterus and ovaries are clean and healthy, meaning there will be no D & C. That's good news.
I'm so terribly numb in my emotions. I'm glad my bride can get it out, but there's so much bottled inside me, I feel that it's all stuck. I can't smile, laugh, cryu, or even feel the overwhelming loss of this baby. I want to, but I'm in a prison. If I could put a picture to it, I feel trapped under ice. I'm so tired... so cold... so distant... so numb.
Our baby is gone. What happens to a soul when its body is dead? "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord."
What about a four-week old fetus? Where do they go?
What will they look like in the Resurrection?
Will he/she know me?
Will he/she know me as their dad?
This is too painful for me to continue writing.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Miscarriage from a Dad's Perspective
Today is 12 March 2006.
We have been expecting a precious little baby for a week now, since it's been confirmed at our doctor's office that my wife has been pregnant about six weeks now...
except for what happened today.
She's been bleeding since she first discovered it going to the bathroom around 7:30am. We've talked with our doctor, her mom, and her best friends; trying to get advice. Also talking with my boss who confirmed that she is of highest priority, no doubt and that I need to be with her; thus not needing to go to work today.
I wish this wasn't happening. I wish this wasn't written on the pages of our Life Story. The insides of my nostrils tingle with sorrow, and my eyes are welling up with tears as I write this. My head aches and my heart is sad. I read my wife's beautiful journal entry about all the emotions she has been feeling and her anticipation of holding this dear little child in her arms. When I got to that part, I flung it at the wall... I don't want this to be happening!
It's at times like these when I hate life experience, and I don't want to become more mature because it means I have to go through P-A-I-N. I'm sick of it!
I now feel like I can relate a little more to people who have lost their children to death, like my parents with my sister or our friends who lost their 18-month old in a drowning accident. I know it's totally different, but still... I was excited about our child, and now my hopes have fallen into a dark pit and remain, awaiting the light of another day. But not this day. The day of our miscarriage.
The baby's birthday would have been November 5, 2006.
I need to take my mind off of all responsibility and just veg out with a video game... lose myself into some kind of fantasy world. I want to medicate the pain and be done with this, but I know Jesus will heal us and bring us joy down the road.
I'm a man, right? "A man is someone who... expects the greater reward, God's reward." Children are a reward from God (Psalm 127:4-5)! God, please give us all the reward we can handle!
We have been expecting a precious little baby for a week now, since it's been confirmed at our doctor's office that my wife has been pregnant about six weeks now...
except for what happened today.
She's been bleeding since she first discovered it going to the bathroom around 7:30am. We've talked with our doctor, her mom, and her best friends; trying to get advice. Also talking with my boss who confirmed that she is of highest priority, no doubt and that I need to be with her; thus not needing to go to work today.
I wish this wasn't happening. I wish this wasn't written on the pages of our Life Story. The insides of my nostrils tingle with sorrow, and my eyes are welling up with tears as I write this. My head aches and my heart is sad. I read my wife's beautiful journal entry about all the emotions she has been feeling and her anticipation of holding this dear little child in her arms. When I got to that part, I flung it at the wall... I don't want this to be happening!
It's at times like these when I hate life experience, and I don't want to become more mature because it means I have to go through P-A-I-N. I'm sick of it!
I now feel like I can relate a little more to people who have lost their children to death, like my parents with my sister or our friends who lost their 18-month old in a drowning accident. I know it's totally different, but still... I was excited about our child, and now my hopes have fallen into a dark pit and remain, awaiting the light of another day. But not this day. The day of our miscarriage.
The baby's birthday would have been November 5, 2006.
I need to take my mind off of all responsibility and just veg out with a video game... lose myself into some kind of fantasy world. I want to medicate the pain and be done with this, but I know Jesus will heal us and bring us joy down the road.
I'm a man, right? "A man is someone who... expects the greater reward, God's reward." Children are a reward from God (Psalm 127:4-5)! God, please give us all the reward we can handle!
Thursday, April 13, 2006
The Power of Dad
There are three types of parenting:
1. Absent parenting: Many parents are so career-minded that their focus becomes how to provide for their kids financially, as opposed to giving them their best energy and time. Some parents aren't there at all, leaving a gaping and bloody hole in the hearts of their children for their entire lifetime.
2. Engaged parenting: This kind of parent attends their children's ball games, takes their sons on hunting or camping trips. This is a great leap from the Absent parent, which will leave them crippled for life, but something is missing in terms of launching that arrow at the right target.
3. Strategic parenting: This kind of parent is intentionally thinking through and acting on how to raise their sons into authentic manhood, and their daughters into feminine women. This kind of parenting gives direction and vision for the future. It's living beyond today and pointing the way throughout life.
Dad is destiny! His presence or lack of it has no rival in a child's life! An ancient Proverb says "the glory of sons is their fathers" (Proverbs 17:6, the Bible). All you dads out there have an enormous amount of power and influence over your sons and daughters. But let me speak to the needs of a son for a moment.
There are three things every son needs to hear from the mouth of his own dad...
1. "I Love You."
2. "I'm Proud of You."
3. "You're really good at __________."
Which of the three kinds of parents are you?
1. Absent parenting: Many parents are so career-minded that their focus becomes how to provide for their kids financially, as opposed to giving them their best energy and time. Some parents aren't there at all, leaving a gaping and bloody hole in the hearts of their children for their entire lifetime.
2. Engaged parenting: This kind of parent attends their children's ball games, takes their sons on hunting or camping trips. This is a great leap from the Absent parent, which will leave them crippled for life, but something is missing in terms of launching that arrow at the right target.
3. Strategic parenting: This kind of parent is intentionally thinking through and acting on how to raise their sons into authentic manhood, and their daughters into feminine women. This kind of parenting gives direction and vision for the future. It's living beyond today and pointing the way throughout life.
Dad is destiny! His presence or lack of it has no rival in a child's life! An ancient Proverb says "the glory of sons is their fathers" (Proverbs 17:6, the Bible). All you dads out there have an enormous amount of power and influence over your sons and daughters. But let me speak to the needs of a son for a moment.
There are three things every son needs to hear from the mouth of his own dad...
1. "I Love You."
2. "I'm Proud of You."
3. "You're really good at __________."
Which of the three kinds of parents are you?
Friday, April 07, 2006
How Early Should I Start Child Training?
This article comes from No Greater Joy, and was written by Michael Pearl, whose expertise is in Child Training.
At what age should I start disciplining my children?
At what age should I start homeschooling?
At what age should I begin teaching my children to work?
You must start training your children one year before their first birthday, because if you don't, they will be trained without your input. A sapling grows the way you bend it. But if you don't bend it, it will grow and take shape just the same, though not as you would have it. It will be shaped by the prevailing winds, which, you can be sure, never blow in the right direction.
From day one, every conscious moment of a child's life is training; every event, and non-event, is schooling, preparation for the rest of life.
Read more here.Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Releasing Arrows
Sending your children away can be a harrowing experience. Now a days, parents send their children off to daycare at a critical age when they need mommy and daddy constantly nearby, off to camp when they are little, off to Junior High when they're pre-adolescents, off to college when they've just graduated High School, and off to an unknown adventure when they get married--an experience totally out of your control, dad.
If children, and in particular, sons, are arrows in the hands of a warrior, how do we release these 'arrows' with an effective impact on our society and world?
By training them when they are young--yes, infants! Spend the time and energy to fight your urges to let them be cute while defying your commands. When they disobey you during their teenage years, it doesn't look so cute, does it? Train them to respect and obey you.
How, do you ask? We'll look into that tomorrow.
If children, and in particular, sons, are arrows in the hands of a warrior, how do we release these 'arrows' with an effective impact on our society and world?
By training them when they are young--yes, infants! Spend the time and energy to fight your urges to let them be cute while defying your commands. When they disobey you during their teenage years, it doesn't look so cute, does it? Train them to respect and obey you.
How, do you ask? We'll look into that tomorrow.
Arrows in the Hands of a Warrior
"Sons born during one's youth are like arrows in a warrior's hand. How happy is the man who fills his quiver with them! They will not be put to shame when they confront enemies at the city gate."
Psalm 127:4-5 NET Bible
Psalm 127:4-5 NET Bible
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)